I'm Trying
by brittymarie68
Summary: One-shot. Takes place the summer before Harry's fifth year. Harry wakes up from a nightmare and finds Sirius in the kitchen, where they chat. Godfather/godson BONDING.


**A/N: I own nothing. Please don't sue me, okay?**

**I love Harry and Sirius bonding, and I wanted to try writing one. :) **

**Thanks for checking out my story! Review if you like it? **

Harry woke yet again, unsettled, shaking, and shivering from another nightmare about the graveyard. He was also disoriented but soon remembered where he was- the bedroom he shared with Ron at Grimmauld Place.

As gloomy and depressing as the house was, he was grateful for it as it meant that he was rid of Privet Drive and the Dursleys.

Sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of his bed, Harry padded quietly to the door and opened it, careful not to wake Ron, who was sleeping soundly in the bed against the opposite wall.

He thought he might go down to the kitchen and make a cup of tea to calm himself down a bit before he tried to sleep again. He walked as quietly as he could down the stairs and through the hall past Mrs. Black's portrait and then down the next flight of stairs into the kitchen.

He stopped abruptly when he saw his godfather sitting at the table with a cup of tea and a rather gloomy expression on his face.

Sirius looked up as Harry entered and offered a weak smile. Harry returned it and made himself some tea , sitting opposite Sirius at the table.

Their eyes met and Sirius' narrowed as he broke the silence. "What's wrong, Harry?"

"Nothing," Harry lied quickly. He didn't want to trouble Sirius anymore than he already had.

"Nice try, Harry, but your mum used to get that same look in her eyes when she was upset or worried, so what's up?"

Harry sighed. "Nothing new. Couldn't sleep. Nightmares," he said, taking a drink of tea.

Sirius regarded him quietly, seemingly in thought. He looked quickly down at his hands folded on the tabletop and then met Harry's eyes again. "You know that you can talk to me, right, Harry?" he asked.

Harry pondered this for a moment, caught off guard by the question. Yes, he knew that he could talk to his godfather about anything, but he didn't want his own worries to trouble Sirius as well. He had enough on his plate without having Harry's nightmares stacked on top.

"Yeah, 'course I do," he answered.

Sirius quirked an eyebrow at him. "So then why don't you, if you don't mind my asking?" he said. "It's my job to worry about you, Harry. Even if I don't know what's the matter, it upsets me to see you like this. You shouldn't have to be up all night because of nightmares, no matter how run of the mill it is for you."

"Yeah, but I am. There's no changing it; I can't control my dreams, Sirius. I hate reliving that night over and over again. I hate dreaming about it, but it won't stop and it's all my fault," he finished angrily, dropping his head to his hands. He squeezed his eyes shut against the burn of tears threatening to fall and swallowed hard.

Sirius rounded the able to sit next to his godson. He wished he could help somehow, wished he could take Harry's pain away, but he knew there was nothing he could do about the nightmares. There was, however, something he could do about the unnecessary guilt Harry seemed to be carrying around.

"Harry Potter, look at me right now," Sirius said firmly. When Harry didn't look up, Sirius grasped his chin and forced it up, looking into Harry's eyes. He was strongly reminded of Lily and had to take a deep breath before he continued.

"None of this, and I mean none of it, is your fault, Harry James," Sirius said, ignoring Harry's attempt to interrupt him. "You are just a target for all of these horrible things. Nothing you did caused it, Harry."

He removed his hand from his godson's chin, but did not move away. He would be here for Harry, whatever he needed. And what he seemed to need now was a distraction.

"The night you were born, I'm not sure who was more nervous- James or me."

Harry, who had gone back to staring at his tea, looked up at Sirius incredulously.

Sirius laughed. "Yes, I'm going to tell you a story. At least it will get your mind off things for a bit."

Harry seemed to accept this explanation, or was too tired to argue, so Sirius continued.

"As I was saying, we both paced quite a track in the corridor at St. Mungo's. I think we were both afraid you were going to be a girl, if I'm being honest with myself," Sirius chuckled, and he was pleased to see Harry crack a smile.

"Your dad had asked me ahead of time to be godfather, and I accepted of course, but until I held you I'm not sure I truly understood what that meant," he continued, ruffling Harry's hair and grinning when he pulled his head away. "Until I met you, I figured I would just be the one helping you get into trouble and generally just being the cool guy who came around and gave you sweets and helped you bother your parents. I didn't know until I saw you for the first time that I would vow to never let anything happen to you."

Harry blushed- like the fifteen-year-old boy he was, he was uncomfortable at any talk of emotions. "Sirius-"

"Let me finish, Harry," Sirius said. He wanted to be sure that Harry knew what he meant to him. He took his godson's face between his hands. "I know that it's mushy and I know that you're fifteen so it embarrasses you, but you need to hear it. I told Lily and James I would take care of you and protect you, and I didn't do a very good job of that, and I'll never forgive myself. But Harry, know that you were and are loved. I never stopped caring for you, and neither did your parents, all right?"

Harry nodded and Sirius released him, leaning back in his chair and watching the teenager stare at his finger trace the top of his teacup. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it again a second later.

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything, Harry." His godson looked up at him.

"No, Sirius... I mean.. I want to," Harry said, his voice scratchy from not speaking for a while.

Sirius was surprised, but didn't say anything, so Harry continued. "You're.. Having you in my life is the best thing I can think of next to having my parents back. As much as I wish I could have them, I know it isn't possible, and I'm so glad I can have their best friend- and my godfather."

Sirius smiled at Harry. "That means a lot, Harry. Thank you. I'm going to embarrass you again, I know, but I love you, kiddo," he said, pulling his godson into a hug.

Harry returned the hug fiercely. "I- I love you, too, Sirius," he said, and Sirius felt years younger as his heart swelled.

Releasing Harry, Sirius kept one arm around his shoulders. Harry, in a move very uncharacteristic of a fifteen-year-old boy, rested his head on his godfather's shoulder.

Sirius smiled, but said nothing. He wasn't sure how long they sat there, but once the fire had become embers, Sirius spoke.

"You should go to bed, Harry," he said, making to rise. Harry didn't answer, and when Sirius looked down, he saw that his eyes were closed and his breathing had evened out.

Harry was asleep on his shoulder. For one moment, Sirius had a vivid flashback to the first time he babysat six-month-old Harry. Lily and James had come home to find Sirius dozing on the sofa with Harry asleep on his chest. The two didn't stir until the flash from Lily's camera woke them both.

Figuring that Harry needed his sleep, Sirius summoned a blanket and draped it over the two of them, pressing a kiss to his godson's messy, dark hair. Sirius then rested his head on top of Harry's and settled in for the night.

_I'm trying to do right by him, James and Lily. We miss you_, he thought as he glanced down at the teenager again. _It's hard but we'll get through it._

He was hurting for Harry and for all that he had seen, but he was glad that he could be there for him now.

**Thanks for reading! :)**


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